pause & resume

9:47 PM

before I left home, before I moved to washington state, I had a life here in southern california. before I left I was working full time at starbucks in downtown disney, had my own apartment with my brother and his girlfriend, had some really great friends, I travelled outside the country, I was on and off with a boy I loved, I was going to school full time, I would go on drives through the canyon and spend some alone time in the park, id go to disneyland and universal studios, id go get mangonadas by my house, id go to the beach at night, I just... everything was great minus the rocky relationship I was in.

then I left.

I moved to washington for 7 months. thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life there or at least a lot longer than.. 7 months. after that I moved to lake elsinore, ca. for three days. then I was homeless for about a week, sleeping on my brothers couch. after that I finally gave in and decided to move back in with my mom. only this time she lived in bakersfield, ca.

im back now. back to southern california. back home. I wish I couldve somehow put the last three years on pause.
I wish I left, clicked pause, lived those three years away, came back and pressed play.
I just so badly wish I could resume my life here like if I never left.
but I cant.
things are so different. and ive accepted everything that has happened over the past years but now finally living here again its just.. weird. also this global pandemic doesnt help. I feel lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the excitement of someone new. I miss the anxiety of someone breaking my heart. I miss the late-night drives alone or with friends. I miss everything I once had before I left.

I miss it all.