twelve days

1:15 AM

it's 1:01am and I just want to write.
write about all the things ive been feeling lately. I am so happy. god am I so so damn happy. 7 days ago, thursday april 16th to be exact - my brother called me. "how soon can you move in?" excuse me WHAT? i've been planning to move out with my friend to la but in that phone call, everything changed. I wont be moving to LA. instead I will be moving back to orange county. and this is where I want to be. this is where i've wanted to be ever since I left. washington was a journey but I missed california so much. so I came back. I was supposed to live in lake elsinore but things happened and I was homeless for a week after arriving. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. but in a town so far away from everything, my friends, places I enjoyed, everything. separated by a mountain and 120+ miles, I felt trapped. ive been here for over two years and every single day I just would think -I cant believe this is my life.. I cant believe I am living here- its been awful. I didnt want this. but I cant help but think that the universe has done this for me. not to me.
two years of sadness, two years of loneliness, two years of feeling imprisoned. in 12 days I get to be free. I get to go home. I've waited for this for so long. I still cant believe this is where my life is right now. I feel like I've wasted two years of my life. 22 sucked. 23 sucked. 24 is about to get so much better. it feels unreal. whats my life going to be like when I move back? will it be the way it used to be? will it be how it is now? will it be better? I so badly want it to be the way it used to be but I know it wont. so much has changed since I've lived there. but im just so unbelievably happy that I cant to live in a place I feel comfortable in, happy. I cant wait to see my friends once its safe to do so again (thx coronavirus) I cant wait to take a drive to a place that means so much to me. a place I go to to clear my head, to be alone, to just.. be. I cant wait to go to the beach again and it not be two hours away anymore. I cant wait to live in orange county again. I've missed it i've missed my life. more than anything else. I am over the moon. twelve more days.


1:30 PM

some days I’m full of life, energetic, feeling good. But then some days i feel stuck. Lazy. Depressed. Anxious. Unmotivated. I can’t move. I feel heavy. Like if an unseen force is holding me down—weighing on me. Paralyzing me. My mind has so many ideas so many thoughts. imagination. Boy do i have a big imagination. Always day dreaming always picturing what i want my life to be like. But those thoughts are suddenly and abruptly stopped because of the one thing that eats away at my brain. anxiety. It’s hard to want to continue living when i can’t atop thinking about the future and -what if i still feel like this when i ... , what if i have a panic attack during ..., what if i never get better, what if i can’t pay my bills because of this, what if i can’t go out and see friends because of this, what if ..., what if ..., what if....- its been such a huge battle with my mental health. I’m trying every day to get better. Some days i feel like i can’t fight anymore, i don’t want to live like this, but then other times i feel like i can conquer anything and get my life back. It’s exhausting. truly so exhausting. I can only hope and keep working on myself during these really hard and scary time in the world so i will be better when i move back home. God i hope I’m better. I want nothing more than to be and feel better.