it’s like a dream

7:37 AM

something new is happening. someone new is happening. it's strange, to feel like this. you see, it's been years. years since this feeling has been mutual. and to be quite honest, starting just a month ago, i truly thought my heart was not capable of feeling this way for someone again. after him. for the past 7 years it was him that i felt so deeply in love with and missed all the time. I had other relationships as distractions but nothing quite like this. 

what is happening now was so unexpected. i ended things for good with the 7 years person and it finally felt so good to let him go after all the years of dreaming we’d be together. we never did. it was someone else. there was always someone else. never a time where he had chosen me first.. it felt good letting him go. & i started to feel okay again but i did really feel like i was never going feel this way again. feel so strongly about someone..and then came you... 

after i decided to delete my dating apps and focus on my new career path—you came along. very shortly after. not expecting any of this to happen when we first started talking. it started with me following you & then suddenly we were replying to each other’s stories until one day a conversation carried on.. and on.. and on. It didn’t stop. I was so.. you were so... it was just different. you were checking off (and still continue to) every single one of my boxes. at first i kept saying to myself.. “what is happening? how is this happening? is this for real? am i dreaming?” but i truly deserve this. so I’m letting this happen. of course I’m afraid to get hurt but to be honest, i don’t really feel afraid with you. i feel safe. and I’ve never felt this way I’ve never felt so safe with someone and it’s because you constantly show your interest in me, continue to get to know me, and all of the above. you make me feel like i am in a dream. even though you are somewhere around 1,136 miles away from me. 

i can’t remember the last time i felt butterflies flying around in my stomach and in my chest but with you, it’s been nonstop. i can’t talk about it enough how many times I’ve buried my face in my hands because i was smiling so much and just.. so genuinely happy after the things you say to me. it feels so good with you. so easy. you’ve showed me in this very short amount of time that i in fact am capable of feeling this way again. i am not as broken as i thought i was. i started to heal from him before you came along and i think that was so very important. i had accepted what we had was over and that he was going to be with someone else. I had accepted that our time had expired. and i think being able to heal on my own and be okay by myself is what lead me to you. the universe put you, us, right where we belong. in each other’s lives. the crazy part is, we had a chance three years ago but it didn’t work. we didn’t take that chance and our lives went in different directions without each other. I think it was meant to happen this way. the universe had more lessons for me -and for you as well- to learn before we could find our way to each other, where it seems like we are supposed to be. 

the very most important part of all of this to me is that i am not losing sight of what i want in my life. I’ve always been one to lose myself within another. let my s/o become everything while i became nothing. forget about myself and just be everything for them. but this time is different; this time I’m still me. I’m still focusing on my career and the things i love and want in life. all while my head is filled with you. this feels good. mature and like I’ve grown. 

I am so over the moon with you.

this is a dream. you, are a dream. 

and i am so very lucky. 


5:38 AM

I have not slept yet. Besides the two hours after i fell asleep. It’s 2am and i start to play animal crossing. And then it’s 4am and i start to watch Skins season 4 effys episode (second to last of the season). I’m thinking to myself -just like old times-. Being up this late reminds me of summer 2012. When I’d stay up till sunrise watching indie romance / adolescent films and skins. Every single day. Eating strawberry mochi ice cream or Daelmans caramel stroopwafels I’d get from the Asian market. Very fond memories.
At 5am i looked out my window. I could see dawn peeking behind the trees. I wanted to go outside so i put on willows harness and took him for a walk. the blue and purple sky with pink clouds and the hills in the distance. The crisp 5am air was something i longed to feel on my skin, something i longed to smell again. I’ve missed this. So much. There’s something about the air here that feels so special to me. Nostalgia. Walking outside to 59 degree early morning weather and the smell of wet soil and plants filled my lungs with joy and comfort. I love being here. I’ve missed being here. I hope for more nights like this. goodnight.

pause & resume

9:47 PM

before I left home, before I moved to washington state, I had a life here in southern california. before I left I was working full time at starbucks in downtown disney, had my own apartment with my brother and his girlfriend, had some really great friends, I travelled outside the country, I was on and off with a boy I loved, I was going to school full time, I would go on drives through the canyon and spend some alone time in the park, id go to disneyland and universal studios, id go get mangonadas by my house, id go to the beach at night, I just... everything was great minus the rocky relationship I was in.

then I left.

I moved to washington for 7 months. thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life there or at least a lot longer than.. 7 months. after that I moved to lake elsinore, ca. for three days. then I was homeless for about a week, sleeping on my brothers couch. after that I finally gave in and decided to move back in with my mom. only this time she lived in bakersfield, ca.

im back now. back to southern california. back home. I wish I couldve somehow put the last three years on pause.
I wish I left, clicked pause, lived those three years away, came back and pressed play.
I just so badly wish I could resume my life here like if I never left.
but I cant.
things are so different. and ive accepted everything that has happened over the past years but now finally living here again its just.. weird. also this global pandemic doesnt help. I feel lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the excitement of someone new. I miss the anxiety of someone breaking my heart. I miss the late-night drives alone or with friends. I miss everything I once had before I left.

I miss it all.

twelve days

1:15 AM

it's 1:01am and I just want to write.
write about all the things ive been feeling lately. I am so happy. god am I so so damn happy. 7 days ago, thursday april 16th to be exact - my brother called me. "how soon can you move in?" excuse me WHAT? i've been planning to move out with my friend to la but in that phone call, everything changed. I wont be moving to LA. instead I will be moving back to orange county. and this is where I want to be. this is where i've wanted to be ever since I left. washington was a journey but I missed california so much. so I came back. I was supposed to live in lake elsinore but things happened and I was homeless for a week after arriving. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. but in a town so far away from everything, my friends, places I enjoyed, everything. separated by a mountain and 120+ miles, I felt trapped. ive been here for over two years and every single day I just would think -I cant believe this is my life.. I cant believe I am living here- its been awful. I didnt want this. but I cant help but think that the universe has done this for me. not to me.
two years of sadness, two years of loneliness, two years of feeling imprisoned. in 12 days I get to be free. I get to go home. I've waited for this for so long. I still cant believe this is where my life is right now. I feel like I've wasted two years of my life. 22 sucked. 23 sucked. 24 is about to get so much better. it feels unreal. whats my life going to be like when I move back? will it be the way it used to be? will it be how it is now? will it be better? I so badly want it to be the way it used to be but I know it wont. so much has changed since I've lived there. but im just so unbelievably happy that I cant to live in a place I feel comfortable in, happy. I cant wait to see my friends once its safe to do so again (thx coronavirus) I cant wait to take a drive to a place that means so much to me. a place I go to to clear my head, to be alone, to just.. be. I cant wait to go to the beach again and it not be two hours away anymore. I cant wait to live in orange county again. I've missed it i've missed my life. more than anything else. I am over the moon. twelve more days.


1:30 PM

some days I’m full of life, energetic, feeling good. But then some days i feel stuck. Lazy. Depressed. Anxious. Unmotivated. I can’t move. I feel heavy. Like if an unseen force is holding me down—weighing on me. Paralyzing me. My mind has so many ideas so many thoughts. imagination. Boy do i have a big imagination. Always day dreaming always picturing what i want my life to be like. But those thoughts are suddenly and abruptly stopped because of the one thing that eats away at my brain. anxiety. It’s hard to want to continue living when i can’t atop thinking about the future and -what if i still feel like this when i ... , what if i have a panic attack during ..., what if i never get better, what if i can’t pay my bills because of this, what if i can’t go out and see friends because of this, what if ..., what if ..., what if....- its been such a huge battle with my mental health. I’m trying every day to get better. Some days i feel like i can’t fight anymore, i don’t want to live like this, but then other times i feel like i can conquer anything and get my life back. It’s exhausting. truly so exhausting. I can only hope and keep working on myself during these really hard and scary time in the world so i will be better when i move back home. God i hope I’m better. I want nothing more than to be and feel better.


4:56 PM

sitting outside. 67 degrees. I haven't been out like this in months. I've been fighting a really tough battle mentally lately. it's been hard to leave my room, check the mail, come outside.
but today, here I am. sitting outside. 11am came and I put on shorts, took my shoes off and just came to the little backyard area of my home. it's 4:35pm and I am still outside. bliss.

sitting in the sun
feeling the warmth touch my face
the breeze brush past my skin
I get chills
not because i'm cold
but because this is what my body has needed
what my body has been longing for
fresh air, the sun, the breeze
all of it.
I came outside walked around barefoot on the cement walking paths
stepping my feet onto the stepstones in the pool of rocks
hopping from one stone to another.
barefoot, sun kissing my skin, the air filling my lungs
I feel childlike
I feel happy

I watered the plants, they were thirsty
played with my dogs, they were excited
I ate lunch outside, painted my nails and toenails outside,
danced around in the sunlight, feeling the breeze,
listening to the palm trees leaves nudge each other in the wind
its like magic
I feel so good today
I actually can't remember the last time i've felt this good, this peaceful.


here's something to bring you a little magic today.

quarantine / covid19

4:21 PM

today is march 30th 2020. it's been over two weeks since this quarantine thing started. the coronavirus has taken over the world. hundreds of thousands of people are sick. the numbers of cases are growing. people are dying. it's a very scary world. it's a very scary time. schools are closed, workplaces have shut down. no food or toiletry in stores. it's all so surreal. i never thought I would live to go through a pandemic like this.

my anxiety has been really, really bad. for other reasons but the coronavirus is taking a bigger toll on it than i thought it would. i've been scared to go outside. i've been cooped up in my room all day every day working on my art. trying to find new things to help with my mental health. things got bad. but everyday i'm fighting everyday i'm working hard and trying my best.
I want to get better. today the quarantine days have been extended. "30 more" is what they've been saying. it's been extended until April 30th.
this world is madness. the world is chaotic. but it is also still. i've heard the streets of la are empty. there's no more traffic. people are staying inside. people aren't staying inside. the good thing is though, people are recovering. there are more people recovering than people dying. but the fact that people are dying because of this is just horrifying. I can't wait for everything to be back to normal. to move back to southern california. to see my friends. to go to the beach, disneyland, the canyon, my special place. please, oh please, let this be over soon. please.