current.

8:18 PM

my life is very far from interesting. it used to be filled with fun, friends, love, and adventures. it seems that ever since i moved to washington in 2017, it all just changed. and i've come to realize that.. i dont think i like this kind of change very much. most days i find myself thinking about how my life used to be before i moved out of california (im back now but it doesnt feel like it whatsoever). i had a great job, i had great friends, i loved my apartment and the location. i loved just living in orange county. living in southern california. now that i think about it, i wish i had never left. but in june 2017, i so badly.. wanted to leave. and so i did. and i moved to olympia, washington for 7 months. now i am back in california but in a town so deserted, so horrible, so far away from anything, that it feels like i am still living so far away from california. im sad here. im alone here. i feel as if i am just wasting my life away living here. working three part time jobs and all of them combined still dont make it out to be full time all together. its rough. my life just feels so awful right now. and its going to be this way until sometime in the spring or summer of 2019 that i can finally move out again. im trying to be patient. im trying to focus on work. but it gets so difficult when im not making enough money to support myself and save to move out. when i think about my financial situation, it brings me so much sadness and stress i just kind of stop. i freeze. im still. its hard. staying positive and patient is all i can do and continue to do my best and work hard. but it all just doesnt feel like enough. things are so so hard and im fighting to keep me sane. im fighting to be happy and content in my situation.
i miss the old days. i miss my friends. the amazing places. the financial comfort. i miss my life.

2 journals.

11:38 PM

i have two places. two places i hold dear to my heart. two places i pour out my thoughts and feelings and experiences. one of these places is right here. right at this very page on this website you have clicked on. the other place is another link. a link i will not share. and only because there is no point in sharing. there is no point to tell whatever soul that reads my writings because it is password protected and no one will ever get into it. so i guess, if i wanted to, i could share the link. but no one would be able to see a single thing besides a bar in the middle of the screen that reads "Enter password". that place, is my most special. my most deep.
there are some things i am able to share publicly, not knowing if anyone even reads, but i choose to make some of my writings public (here) just because. sometimes you dont need a reason to do something. you dont need to explain your reason, if you have one. this, here, is where i write and am not afraid to show the world. my other place, is just far more personal and only belongs to me. i love having these two places. i feel safe.

October.

7:43 PM

ahh, finally. the month i've been waiting for all year. i'm trying to be as patient as possible with the weather here where i live. waiting for the chilliness of autumn to roll in. waiting.. waiting... waiting. it'll come soon, i hope.
today is October 1st. i woke up so so happy. threw on my black levi's, a jack skellington shirt, black converse, and the cutest pumpkin socks from target. although it doesnt feel like october outside, i'm definitely making it feel like it inside my home. well, my room. i paused The Sixth Sense to write. i really miss it. so here i am. sitting here, on my bed, typing away on my laptop. i lit a cauldron candle i got from target called "witches brew" and it smells like spiced pumpkins. also got my twinkle lights up and it just feels so cozy in here.
i dont have many spooky festivities planned this year like i usually do. which really bums me out since this is the most wonderful time of the year ;)
but, you know, it'll be okay. next year will be so much better. i cant do much this year since all my money has to go to saving. i'm trying to move out of this awful town. and california again, which makes me a bit sad but i think its for the best. at least for this chapter in my life.
last year i spent these days in washington state where i was living. walking up and down the streets of my neighborhood with my dog, willow. the leaves yellow, orange, and red. it was so dang pretty. i dont think i ever seen a reall "fall". in california, or southern california at least.. the leaves dont really change. i mean they do but they go from green to brown and you dont even notice that they were even yellow or any other color but green. cant wait to spend next october in a place with all the trees are colorful. i hope who ever reads this, if anyone reads this, will have a spooky and cozy and fun october.