8:24 PM

It's been a whole year. over a year, in fact. and oh damn, what a year it was. obviously so much has happened. before writing this i wanted to finish writing about my trip to the u.k., amsterdam, and the anne frank haus. but, i havent. instead, im going to write this. i've missed writing so much. i've missed my blog, my online journal, my whatever you want to call it. i feel like i want to say literally everything that has happened since i last wrote but at the same time, i just dont even want to. so i wont. but i will say, i think i might have grown immensely. my last post was about my appearance and how i couldnt see myself as beautiful. that has completely changed. beginning july 2017 till now ive worn less makeup than i ever have since when i started to wear it. i feel beautiful in my skin now, i truly do. i feel good when i go out in public with a bare face. but i also realized i dont have to not wear makeup in order to feel beautiful. i can still feel naturally beautiful even while wearing makeup. so thats been a huge milestone, i guess you can say.
i've moved. i moved out of state. far away from all my family. all my friends. it was great and not so great. i found Jesus, rescued a dog, and bought a car. i think thats about it as far as all the good stuff. nothing else significant really has happened since moving here. in the good way, anyhow.
also living here has made me very depressed. ive become a hermit. my anxiety is at its worst. and everything seems to be falling apart.

im moving back home. yes home. home to california.

i cant live on my own. i cant afford my bills. im going back home to focus on that. theres many reasons why im going back home. i really do miss california. so much. but i feel like i dont know where i belong. i dont want to be here, i dont want to be there. i just want to disappear. i dont know.

anyway, i hope ill get back into writing. i've been very unmotivated the last year. things just dont feel right. again. i feel very lost.

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