the future

3:09 AM

I wonder how my life will be in a year from now, four years from now, ten years from now. Will I be reading my son The Giving Tree before I put him to bed or brushing my daughters wet hair while listening to ├ôlafur Arnalds' "Living Room Songs"? Will I be reading a book on a train from Germany to Switzerland? Will I be sipping tea on top of a roof at 6am with whom I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with? Will I be teaching Romanian children how to say "how are you?" in English? Will I be painting my home that burnt orange or soft yellow or olive green color that I love so much? I don't know what the future has in store for me. I can only hope it will be good. I hope it will be filled with happiness. Happiness starts with yourself, not another person. Depending on someone for happiness is the worst possible thing you can put yourself through. My mother always taught me to depend on nobody. Support myself and be independent. That, I have learned. It's easier for me to be happy now. & I find happiness in the smallest things. Like walking in neighborhoods with willow trees or driving through foresty/canyon areas. The smell of books, tea, independent films, seeing others going about their day–happily. Sometimes I'd like to jump ahead in time and skip the now. I've been so impatiently lately. Which is extremely unlike me. But patience is good. A year from now, four years from now, ten years from now, I will think back to this night where I'm up wondering what my life will be like and it might not be any of my thoughts. My life could be completely different. I do hope I'd be traveling though; for traveling is my rapture. But who really knows? Time, patience, and hard work is all I need.

Dreams

1:24 AM

It is 1:06am on wednesday, october 5th, 2016. I've turned out my lights around 12am and have not fallen into sleep yet. My mind is too busy thinking about everything i want to do in my life. my goals, my dreams. my pup is laying at the corner of my bed, snoring away softly. i like silence, most nights, but her breathing is keeping me at ease tonight.
I lay here thinking about where my life will take me. when will it take me. how will it take me. i have so many ideas and passions and i just dont know what it is i want to do. i mean, i do know. but theres so much more now that i want to accomplish and become successful in but maybe this is just a dream? maybe its not going to happen? maybe i need to start having some faith in myself and make it happen. after all, i am probably one of the most ambitious people i know.

i want to open up an apothecary shop filled with teas and herbal medicine and everything that comes with homeopathy and naturopathy. i want it to be as popular as a 7-eleven. i want people to know that there are healthier alternatives to becoming healthy.
i want to build a small community of tiny houses and rent them out like apartments.
i want to build a real life hogwarts but into a hotel. I wonder if J.K. Rowling would even approve? I dont know. but oh man that would be a dream come true. i want to replicate hogwarts exterior and interior and make it a hotel for all muggles to enjoy.
i want to own a halloween themed theme park. Spooky rides, creepy mazes, frightening attractions. how amazing would that be? to have an amusement park dedicated to halloween.

i think to myself, maybe this will never happen, maybe im dreaming too big. maybe my dreams arent realistic. but how can they be realistic if i think so negatively? i want to push to make these happen. im scared. im excited. im nervous. im doubtful. im hopeful. it's not impossible to accomplish my dreams. it's not impossible to be successful in everything i want to do. i just need to work at it and give my god damn hardest and never give up. i have so many dreams. i want to make these dreams become a reality.