Change.

10:41 PM

It's been awhile since i've last wrote.. I am finding myself feeling extremely desolated. the past month and the next few months have been and will be the most stressful ones. of. my. entire. life. I will be moving out. finally. and on my own. well, with my dog, too. i cannot live without her.
today i cleaned out my room. went through everything. happy memories, sad memories, remembered it all. i threw away a great handful of things from my past. no room for clutter of unhappy memories any longer. it is time for a change. took me about 8 hours to completely finish my room. after cleaning it out, i rearranged it. thank goodness. i needed something different.. at least until i am out of here.
as i am sitting here in bed typing this and sipping on peppermint tea, i get the urge to just.. cry. but thats okay, i will cry and i will fall asleep. i will wake up feeling better and hopefully tomorrow my thoughts won't be so rough. this whole adult thing is becoming a tad too much stressing for me. stressful to where i am not sure if i am able to handle it. but oh god am i trying. i wish it was possible to just poof away for awhile and return with no worries, no stress, no negativity or sadness. everything would just be okay and going steady. but sadly, that is not how life works. taking things day by day is the best and healthiest thing to do in situations like this. in my opinion. relax, breathe. i am moving on with life and it is going to be so unbelievably scary but it needs to be done. there is no, "never mind" or "I'm not ready yet", i have to do this. for myself. i must push myself and start my life. my life is not meant to be lived in california. i know this for sure. i just hope i can pull through and don't let stress bring me down. time is moving fast. and i, i must too.

Dreaming.

11:05 AM

I cannot wait until I have my own home and I get to decorate it oh so beautifully during the holidays and seasons. I can't wait to start a family and live simply and happily. I can't wait to have my own garden filled with all my dearest flowers and healing herbs. I can't wait to light my favorite pumpkin candles in every room and fill my home's air with the lovely and spicy scent. I can't wait to live in a place where the weather actually changes with the seasons and feels like how it is supposed to be. I can't wait to take walks down and around my neighborhood without feeling unsafe. I can't wait to have friends and family over for gatherings and special dinners. I can't wait to cook, clean, paint, make, decorate, read, love, and enjoy the life God will present me with when this time comes. I'd like to fast forward my life to this period, please. I mean, I can wait. I definitely can wait. But oh am I dreaming..

**the photo is NOT mine. Photo credit goes to sara grace miller

October.

3:14 PM

It is the second of October and i am very much excited for this month. but i do feel like this month is going to pass on by very quickly like a lightening bolt striking down on the pavement. i'm not quite sure why i have this feeling but it isn't very comforting. there hasn't been much change in the weather, which i am so desperately longing for.
I've been filling my free time weaving these days. All halloween wall decorations. I enjoy making these so much. i feel i'd like to continue with this for a long time. i am hoping i will be able to become a vendor at the local farmers market. fingers crossed!
lately, weaving and listening to Ólafur Arnalds has been my favorite thing to do.